


Little bit of Light

by dehtrash



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor says fuck a lot, I got this idea from the cut song "A little bit of Light", M/M, Or almost, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, idk - Freeform, this is my first fic, where Connor was said to be found in a park after overdosing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 08:52:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11287869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dehtrash/pseuds/dehtrash
Summary: Evan finds Connor in a park





	Little bit of Light

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is my first fanfic ever but i'm obsessed with these boys and I want them to be happy. But this is pretty angsty oops. Sorry if anything's OOC i'm tryin ok

“Okay Evan seems like our times up for today.”

Dr. Sherman smiled warmly down at him. Evan squirmed a little in his seat and tugged on his backpack straps as he got up.

“Uh-um thanks Dr. Sherman I’ll-uh see you next week!”

“Of course Evan,” His therapist looked up at him with his eyes portraying a look of pity, “-and remember to just breathe, this situation with the boy at school and your letter to yourself is not the end of the world buddy, maybe you can talk to him at school tomorrow?”

“Uh-um yeah! Sure… Dr. Sherman I’ll do- uh- that.” Evan lied, not even remotely entertaining the idea that he would attempt a conversation with the boy who called him a freak and found his letter detailing the crush Evan had on his sister.

Evan arrived home to find a note on the kitchen counter and a twenty-dollar bill.

“Love you sweetie! See you tonight, don’t forget to eat! xo”

Evan crumpled the bill in his sweaty palm and felt panic rise in his throat even thinking about ordering a pizza, waiting nervously at the door, hearing the doorbell, interacting awkwardly with the pizza guy, the pizza guy thinking he’s a freak, not being able to count out a tip properly, the pizza guy laughing at him, and just- _no, no he couldn’t do that._

Evan’s mind then started racing, because yeah- uh, he really can’t go through the stress of stumbling through a conversation with the delivery guy, but imagining the disappointment in his mothers eyes when she finds out he didn’t eat is also enough to cause a wave of anxiety to pass through him.

Evan fumbles with his hands and impulsively takes out his knock off cell phone. Maybe he could text Jared and ask him to come over, and when Evan orders pizza then Jared can pay. He thinks that over for about half a minute before second guessing it because- why would Jared want to come over? He doesn’t care about Evan. Why would he? He only pretends to be friends so his parent’s will pay for his car insurance. Evan doesn’t have any real friends.

So yeah, now Evan is standing in his kitchen, shaking a little, debating whether he should suck it up and order something, not eat, or crawl into a hole and die.

The last idea sounds pretty appealing.

Evan’s anxiety is already through the roof after the day he’s had, and with this added stress he’s not quite sure what to do. He eventually stumbles over to his living room and sits in front of the TV to distract himself, at least for a little bit. He turns on a random nature documentary, and as the narrator drones on about some hiking trail in the northeast, Evan curls into himself on the couch and tries to breathe.

He’s such a waste of space. Connor was right, he is a freak.

When Connor Murphy approached him at the computer lab earlier, Evan was naturally a little freaked out. Just that morning Connor had pushed him in the hall and yelled at him, and now he was in an empty room with the boy and no witnesses. It seemed like Connor was actually trying to be nice to him, though, and he even signed his cast, and Evan wondered if maybe Connor didn’t think he was that much of a loser. Of course, that didn’t last very long, because Evan had to mess it up like he messes up everything.

What was he thinking, writing that letter in the middle of school, talking about Zoe Murphy like some creep. Connor had every right to think Evan was a freak, but then he took the letter and was probably going show it to Zoe and she’d show it to everyone in Jazz band and now the whole school will probably think he’s a loser that fantasizes about people who he can never have. It’s not like they’re far off.

Evan sighed and squeezed the couch pillow near him, burrowing his face into it. He thought about Connor, and how much of a loser he must think Evan is. Connor Murphy is the type of guy to either show no emotion, or blow up in an angry rage. He had never really talked to him before today, even though he’s been in his classes for years. Connor mostly keeps to himself, similarly to Evan, however Evan mostly keeps to himself because no one would ever talk to a stuttering ugly mess like himself. Connor was just.. different. He had an air about him that radiated that he was too cool for anyone else. Half the time he didn’t show up to class, or he came in high, or he just blatantly had his headphones in, ignoring the teacher. Evan was sure he just couldn’t care less about what anyone thought of him.

He wished he was more like Connor.

Half an hour later Evan had calmed down a bit, and was worrying the hem of his shirt as the nature documentary was wrapping up. His mom would probably be home in a few hours.

Evan looked outside and saw the sun was about to set, and decided that he needed some air. He stepped out onto his front porch, and looked up at the orange and pink blooming sky. The air was calm and Evan started to feel more at peace than he had all day. Without realizing he was doing it, his feet began taking him down his driveway and onto the road, heading towards an arbitrary location.

Evan walked for what felt like fifteen or so minutes, until he came upon the neighborhood park. He hadn’t been here for years. He’d driven past it of course, but now taking the time to walk through the somewhat run down park Evan was hit with a burst of nostalgia. He remembered running around, climbing trees, playing on the swings, back when things weren’t so complicated. He smiled a bit and made his was over to the swing set, realizing it was much smaller than he’d remembered.

The sun had almost set, so the park was empty besides himself. He kicked off on the swing and lazily began swinging and looking out at the setting sun. Everything was so quiet, all he could hear was the metal squeak of his seat, and the shallow breathing coming from himself. Now that he was focusing on the sounds though, Evan almost thought he could hear something else.

He tensed up as a ragged exhale was emitted from somewhere he wasn’t sure of. Oh god, someone else is here, and they’re going to hear Evan swinging on this stupid creaky swing set, and they’re probably a murderer and- well Evan may sometimes entertain the idea of not being around anymore but damn it-getting killed in a park is a shitty way to go. Evan’s breathing picked up, and he was trying not to panic he really was, but everything kinda started going fuzzy and he was having trouble hearing anything now besides the pressure in his own head, so he probably wouldn’t even hear the murderer as he snuck up on Evan and he’s gonna die and every one might be better off so he should just deal with it and-

“Oh my fucking god, what are _you_ doing here?”

Evan snapped out of his panic and quickly turned around to see none other than Connor Murphy standing a few feet behind him. Evan all but fell out of the swing trying to get up and apologize, because Connor obviously doesn’t want to see such a loser here, he’s probably meeting up with some cool people that don’t even go to our school and Evan is ruining it, he ruin’s everything.

“I-uh- I’m sorry! I was just walking along because the sunset was nice and I saw the park and I thought I would come check it out and s-swing, that was stupid I’m sorry I-uh are you-um…. are you okay?”

Just as he’s about to finish his word vomit and make a quick exit, he finally makes eye contact with Connor, and see’s just how utterly sad he looks.

Connor is standing there with furrowed eyebrows and a scowl on his face, but he doesn’t look angry, he mostly looks tired. His eyes are glassy and red rimmed, which could mean he’s high, but his nose is red and Evan thinks his face is a little wet and he very obviously looks like he had recently been crying.

“I’m fucking fine, just get the fuck out of here will you?” Connor may have been saying mean things to Evan, but he seemed to be so exhausted that they just came out sounding defeated.

“Sorry- but you don’t, um you d-don’t seem fine? S-Sorry I don’t mean to assume but like- uh did something h-happen? What are you-um- d-doing here?” Connor scoffed and began walking past Evan over to a near by tree.

“None of your goddamn business what I’m doing here, just leave it. I’m just… I’m just sick of it all. Go away.” There was that defeated tone again. His arms were at his sides clenched into fists, but it seemed like he was also clutching something in his right hand.

“I – um but do you uh need help? You look- um- uh y-you look like something bad happened” Evan knew he was being annoying, and Connor probably hated him, but he couldn’t leave the long haired boy when he looked so upset.

Connor turned around and faced Evan again, fresh tears evident on his face, but now his features were contorted more into the anger Evan had come to expect from him.

“Just fucking let me f-FUCKING DIE IN PEACE!” Connor shouted. Evan had never seen someone look so angry and yet so sad at the same time. Tears were now slipping down Connors face, but he didn’t wipe them away, he just spun back around on his heel and sat at he foot of the nearest tree, fiddling with the object in his hand, which Evan thought might be a bottle of some sort.

“D-die?! W-what do you mean? Are you- Are you trying to hurt y-yourself?” Evan stepped closer to Connor, nervous now as he realized the bottle in his hands was a seemingly full pill bottle. Connor was fiddling with the cap.

“This is just perfect; I can’t even kill myself right. Nobody gives a fuck about me until the one fucking time I want to be alone, and here comes Evan-fucking-Hansen, the kid no one even notices is here to fuck everything up for me. God fucking leave you idiot, I know you don’t give a shit about me so just forget you even saw me here.” Connor wasn’t crying anymore, now he just looked vacant.

His words hurt Evan, and his brain was telling him to just leave- because he wasn’t wanted, but no, no he can’t do that because yeah Connor is scaring him and Evan is panicking a little but he can’t just let Connor do whatever he’s planning.

“Uh Is this-um my fault?” The words sort of fell out of Evan’s mouth without meaning to.

“Why the fuck would It be your fault?” Connor looked back up at Evan with a mix of confusion and anger. Evan was really shit at handling this situation, and now his anxiety was getting the best of him.

“The- uh- The l-letter? From e-earlier? I- uh _I swearididntmeanforyoutoreaditandimsos-sorryimjustamessand I- I- I-_ “ Evan could feel his throat closing up. He was on the ground next to Connor suddenly, putting his head in between his knees, when he felt an arm reach out and grab his shoulder.

“Jesus, just chill the fuck out okay? It wasn’t your stupid letter. That creepy shit you wrote about my sister is the least of my fucking problems.” Evan looked up to see Connor with his arm stretched out to what- comfort Evan? That didn’t make sense. His eyes however were trained on the ground.

“O-Okay uh- good to-uh good to know… but um- um- please d-don’t? Don’t kill yourself.”

Connor was still fiddling with the cap of the pill bottle, he let out a weak sigh.

“Fuck- Well I don’t think I can do It now, not with you fucking panicking and shit.”

“Do you- uh, can I walk you home?”

“Fuck no.”

“Uh sorry! That was stupid of me I’m sorry I-I- uh you obviously don’t want to be around me, why- um why would you? S-Sorry I’ll just uh just can you give me the bottle so I know you wont do it? I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Evan might be panicking again and dammit he’s being really selfish because Connor’s obviously going through stuff and now Evan’s being annoying and acting like a baby.

“Why do you apologize so goddamn much?” The hand Connor had placed on his shoulder was now rubbing up and down his arm a little roughly, but Evan didn’t mind. “I didn’t- I don’t not want you around. I just want to be anywhere but home right now. My mom’s been blowing up my phone ever since I stormed out at dinner, and Zoe’s probably fucking complaining to her friends about her dumbass brother, and fucking Larry….” Connor took his hand off Evan and ran his fingers through his hair before dropping it back at his sides.

Evan kind of missed the touch.

“Just- I can’t go home right now okay? I’ll be fine you can leave I’m not going to fucking off myself tonight. Here, take these if you really need to” He rolled the bottle of pills towards Evan.

Evan stared over at the other boy. He wasn’t looking back at Evan, but even though he was more or less sure Connor would be okay, at least tonight, Evan couldn’t really justify leaving him.

“Do you- uh want to come to my place? I live pretty close”

Connor looked up and Evan saw something that looked like hope in his eyes.

“Fuck it, sure.”

That’s how Evan ended up on the couch sitting next to the “too cool” Connor Murphy, watching a fucking nature documentary about the rainforest.

“Is this really what you watch for fun?”

“I- uh yeah. I really like.. um I really like trees?”

“Trees? That’s kind of adorable.”

Evan blushed.

They watched the remainder of the documentary in relative silence, and as it was ending Evan turned to ask how Connor was doing, when he saw the taller boy curled up on his side of the couch, fast asleep.

Connor looked really pretty when he slept. He always looked rather nice in Evans opinion, but right now, asleep on the couch with the soft glow of the TV hitting him, he just looked so… peaceful. A stark contrast from the Connor he found at the park.

“I’m really glad I was there tonight” Evan whispered, careful not to wake him up, and the subtle smile that appeared on Connors features was definitely just in Evan’s imagination.

An hour or so later Heidi Hansen arrived home from her shift, tired out of her mind, only to be greeted with the twenty dollar bill she had left still sitting there on the counter. She sighed sadly and walked into the living room when she stopped short.

There on the couch was her son and a boy she had never seen before, both asleep on either side of the couch, with their feet seemingly unconsciously tangled together.

This was new.

She scooped up the blanket from the back of the couch and laid it gently over the two boys. She’d have to ask Evan about this later, but for now she just switched off the TV and headed to bed.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope u liked this if you did validate me with a comment or smthn im weak 
> 
> Let me know anything I can improve on too I'm tired of looking at this.


End file.
